无形的墙

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ifirstfellinlovewithhusbandwhenwewouldsitandtalkinthelivingroomofmyoldapartmentinfrontofthe(ceiling-to-floor)windowswiththelong,whitecurtains,drinkingcupsofscalding,blackcoffee.wewouldjustsitandtalk-sometimesuntilsunrise.iwassopletelythrilledtohavefinallyfoundthatonespecialpersonandourweddingwaywasthehappiestdayofmylife.

however,itwasnotlongafterourhoneymoonwhenmyhusbandclimbedintothetombcalled"theoffice"andwrappedhismindinashroudofpaperworkandburiedhimselfinclients,andisaidnothingforfearofturningintoanaggingwife.itseemedasifovernightaninvisiblewallhadbeenerectedbetweenus.whenourdaughter,desireewasbornshequicklybecamethecenterofmyworld.iwatchedhergrowfrominfanttotoddler,andinolongerseemedtocarethatmyhusbandwasgettingbusierandspendinglesstimeathome.somewherebetweenhisworkscheduleandourhomeandyoungdaughter,wewerelosingtouchwitheachother.thatinvisiblewallwasnowbeingcementedbythemortarofindifference.

desireewentofftopreschoolandireturnedtocollegetofinishmydegree,anditriedtofindmyselfinthecoursesitook;iplainedwithalltheotheryoungwomenoncampusaboutmenwhoareinsensitive.sometimeslateatnighticriedandbeggedthewhisperingdarknesstotellmewhoireallywas,andmyhusbandlaybesidesnoringlikeahibernatingbearunawareofmywinter.thentragedystruckourlives,whenmyhusband'syoungerbrotherwaskilledonseptember11,2001,alongwiththousandofotherinnocentpeople.hemadeitoutokayandspoketohiswifetosayhewasgoingbackintohelpthosethatwerestilltrapped.hewasidentifiedonlybytheengravingontheinsideofhisweddingband.

attendingmybrother'smemorialservicewasaneye-openingexperienceforthebothofus.forthefirsttime,wesawourownmarriagewasalmostlikemyin-laws.atthetragicdeathoftheyoungestsontheycouldnotreachoutconsoleoneanother.itseemedasifsomewherebetweentheoldestson'sfirsttoothandtheyoungestson'sgraduationtheyhadlosteachother.theirweddingdayphotographoftheyoung,happy,smilingcoupleonthemantleoftheirfireplacewasalmostmockingthosetwomindsthatnolongertouched.theywerelivinginsuchaninvisiblewallbetweenthemthattheheaviestbatteringwiththestrongestartillerywouldnotperate,whenlovediesitisnotinamomentofangrybattleorwhenfierybodieslosetheirheat;itliesbrokenandpantingandexhaustedatthebottomofawallitcannotperate.recentlyonenight,myhusbandtoldofhisfearofdying.untilthenhehadbeenafraidtoexposehisnakedsouls.ispokeoftryingtofindmyselfinthewritingsinmyjournal.itseemedasifeachofushadbeenhidingoursoul-searchingfromtheother.

weareslowlyworkingtowardbuildingabridge—notawall,sothatwhenwereachouttoeachother,wedonotfindabarrierwecannotperateandrecoilfromthecoldnessofthestoneorretreatfromthestrangerontheotherside.