善良的心(Good Heart to Lean on)
详细内容
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wheniwasgrowingup,iwasembarrassedtobeseenwithmyfather.hewasseverelycrippledandveryshort,andwhenwewouldwalktogether,hishandonmyarmforbalance,peoplewouldstare.iwouldinwardlysquirmattheunwantedattention.ifheevernoticedorwasbothered,heneverleton.
itwasdifficulttocoordinateoursteps——hishalting,mineimpatient——andbecauseofthat,wedidn'tsaymuchaswewentalong.butaswestartedout,healwayssaid,"yousetthepace.iwilltrytoadjusttoyou."ourusualwalkwastoorfromthesubway,whichwashowhegottowork.hewenttoworksick,anddespitenastyweather.healmostnevermissedaday,andwouldmakeittotheofficeevenifotherscouldnot.amatterofpride.whensnoworicewasontheground,itwasimpossibleforhimtowalk,evenwithhelp.atsuchtimesmysistersoriwouldpullhimthroughthestreetsofbrooklyn,ny,onachild'ssleightothesubwayentrance.oncethere,hewouldclingtothehandrailuntilhereachedthelowerstepsthatthewarmertunnelairkeptice-free.inmanhattanthesubwaystationwasthebasementofhisofficebuilding,andhewouldnothavetogooutsideagainuntilwemethiminbrooklyn'onhiswayhome.
whenithinkofitnow,imarvelathowmuchcourageitmusthavetakenforagrownmantosubjecthimselftosuchindignityandstress.andathowhedidit——withoutbitternessorplaint.henevertalkedabouthimselfasanobjectofpity,nordidheshowanyenvyofthemorefortunateorable.whathelookedforinotherswasa"goodheart",andifhefoundone,theownerwasgoodenoughforhim.nowthatiamolder,ibelievethatisaproperstandardbywhichtojudgepeople,eventhoughistilldon'tknowpreciselywhata"goodheart"is.butiknowthetimesidon’thaveonemyself.
unabletoengageinmanyactivities,myfatherstilltriedtoparticipateinsomeway.whenalocalsandlotbaseballteamfounditself|withoutamanager,hekeptitgoing.hewasaknowledgeablebaseballfanandoftentookmetoebbetsfieldtoseethebrooklyndodgersplay.helikedtogotodancesandparties,wherehecouldhaveagoodtimejustsittingandwatching.ononememorableoasionafightbrokeoutatabeachparty,witheveryonepunchingandshoving.hewasn'tcontenttositandwatch,buthecouldn'tstandunaidedonthesoftsand.infrustrationhebegantoshout,"i'llfightanyonewhowilltitdownwithme!"nobodydid.butthenextdaypeoplekiddedhimbysayingitwasthefirsttimeanyfighterwasurgedtotakeadiveevenbeforetheboutbegan.
inowknowheparticipatedinsomethingsvicariouslythroughme,hisonlyson.wheniplayedball(poorly),he"played"too.whenijoinedthenavyhe"joined"too.andwhenicamehomeonleave,hesawtoitthat"ivisitedhisoffice.introducingme,hewasreallysaying,"thisismyson,butitisalsome,andicouldhavedohis,too,ifthingshadbeendifferent."thosewordswereneversaidaloud.hehasbeengonemanyyearsnow,butithinkofhimoften.iwonderifhesensedmyreluctancetobeseenwithhimduringourwalks.ifhedid,iamsorryinevertoldhimhowsorryiwas,howunworthyiwas,howiregrettedit.ithinkofhimwheniplainabouttrifles,wheniamenviousofanother'sgoodfortune,whenidon'thavea"goodheart".
atsuchtimesiputmyhandonhisarmtoregainmybalance,andsay,"yousetthepace,iwilltrytoadjusttoyou."