If It Comes Back

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Charlessawthembothatthesametime:thesmallwhitebirdfloatingfromamongtheparktreesandthegirlwheelingdownthewalk.1Thebirdglideddownwardandrestedinthegrass;thegirldirectedthechairsmoothlyalongthesunlit,shadowywalk.2Hercollapsible3metalchairmighthavebeenmotorized4:itcarriedheralongsosmoothly.Shestoppedtowatchtheducksonthepondandwhensheshovedthewheelsagain,Charlessprangtohisfeet."MayIpushyou?"hecalled,runningacrossthegrasstoher.Thewhitebirdflewtothetopofatree.

Itwasmostlyhewhotalkedandheseemedafraidtostopforfearshe'daskhimtoleaveherbyherself.Nothinginherfacehadsupportedtheideaofhelplessnessconveyedbythewheelchair,andheknewthathisassistancewasnotviewedasafavor.5Heaskedthecauseofherhandicap;notbecauseitwassoimportantforhimtoknow,butbecauseitwassomethingtokeeptheconversationgoing.

"ItwasanautomobileaidentwhenIwastwelve,"Amyexplained."Iwasreadingtomyyoungerbrotherinthebackseatandsuddenlymymotherscreamedandtriedfrantically6tomissthetruckthathadpulledoutinfrontofus.WhenIwokeupinthehospital,mymotherwasscreamingagainoutsidethedoor.ThistimeshewastryingtoescapethefactthatIwouldneverwalkagain."

"Prettyroughonbothofyou.7Whataboutyourbrother?"

"HecameoutofitalittlebetterthanIdid;atleasthewasdismissedfromthehospitalbeforeIwas.Ittookusallalongtimetoaeptandadjust."

Theywentforlunch,andhewouldhavefeltawkwardexceptthatsheknewpletelyhowtotakecareofherself.Itwashewhoseemedclumsyandbumpedintoatable;shewhomovedpetentlythroughtheaisle.8

"Doyoulivewithsomeone?"heaskedthenextdayforhe'dmadeapointof9askingtomeetheragain.

"Justmyself,"sheanswered.Hefeltaqualm10inhisstomach,anditwasmoreinmemoryofhisownlonelinessthananticipationofhers.11

Hecametoliketofeelthewhitehandlesinhisgrasp,towalkbetweenthetwowhite-rimmedmetalwheels.Andhegrewalmostmorefamiliarwiththeslightwaveatthebackofherhairthanwithhereyesorhermouth.Thechairwasamoveablewonder;helovedthefeelingofpowerandstrengthitgavehimforsolittleexertion.12Once,hesaidtothewaveatthebackofherhair,"IhopeI'mtheonlychair-pusherinyourlife,"butshehadonlysmiledalittleandhereyeshadadmittednothing.Whenhelookedup,henoticedawhitebirdflyingfromoreetoanother,tracingtheirroutewiththem.

ShecookeddinnerforhimonceinJune.Heexpectedhertobeproudofherabilitytodoeverythingfromherseatinthewheelchair?nbsp;andwasfaintlydisappointedtoseethatshewouldnotfeelprideatwhatwas,forher,simplyamatterofcourse.13Hewatchedhisownhandpickupthesaltshaker14andplaceitononeofthehigher,unusedcabishelves,thenawaitedherpleaforassistance.Hedidn'tknowwhyhe'ddoneit,butthelookinhereyesamomentlatergavehimashockinhiseasyjoy.Hefeltasthoughhewereplayingpokerandhehadjustaidentallyrevealedhishandtotheopponent.15Tomakeherfetwhathe'ddone,hetoldheraboutthelittlewhitebirdinthepark.

"I'veseenit,too,"shesaid."Ireadapoemonceaboutalittlewhitebirdthatcametorestonawindowsillandtheladywholivedinthehousebegantoputoutfoodforit.Soontheladyfellinlove,butitwasamismatchedlove.Everydaythelittlebirdcametothewindowandtheladyputoutfood.Whentheloveaf

fairwasover,thelittlewhitebirdneverreturned,butthewomanwentonputtinoutthecrumbs16everydayforyearsandthewindjustblewthemaway."

InJulyhetookherboatingfrequently.Shepreparedapiicluncheachtime,andhemanned17thesails.Themostawkwardeventofthis,shefelt,wastheloadingandunloading18ofherself.ForCharles,however,these"freighthandlings",asshecametocallit,seemedtobethehighlightoftheoutings.Heappearedtotakegreatdelightinwheelinghertotheendofthepier19,pickingherupoutofthechair,balancinghimselftosetherintotheboat,thencollapsingthechairandsettingitonitssideonboard.Onthefirstfewoutings,shehadfeltdistinctlyillateaseathavingbeenplacedhelplesslyinaspotfromwhichshecouldnotmoveherself.Itourredtoher,too,thatshewasunabletoswim,shouldtheboatturnover.20Charles,whoadaptedhimselfmarvelouslytothecaptain'srole,waspletelyoblivious21toherdisfort;shenotedwithareturningsenseofhelplessnesshowmuchheenjoyedbeingincontrol.WhenhecalledforheronedayinearlyAugustwithabrandnewcaptain'shatcockedatop22hissoftbrownhair,allheremotionsrevoltedattheideaofanotherdaytrappedonthewoodenseatoverthewater?nbsp;andsherefusedtogo.

Theywould,instead,shesaid,goforawalkinwhichshewouldmoveherselfbythestrengthofherownarmsandhewouldwalkbesideher.Hefinallyagreed,buthisdispleasuregrewwitheachstep;thiswasarolehedidn'twanttoplay.

"Whydon'tyoujustrestyourarmsandletmepushyou?"

"No."

"Yourarms'llgetsore;I'vebeenhelpingyoudoitforthreemonthsnow."

"Iwheeledmyselffortwelveyearsbeforeyoucamealong?nbsp;Idoubtthatmyarmshavefottenhow."

"ButIdon'tlikehavingtowalkbesideyouwhileyoupushyourself!"

"DoyouthinkI'velikedhavingtosithelplessinyourboateveryweekendforthepasttwomonths?"

Foramomenthewasstunnedintosilencebythisnewlearning.Finallyhesaidquietly,"Ineverrealizedthat,Amy.You'reinawheelchairallthetime—Ineverthoughtyou'dmindsittingintheboat.It'sthesamething."

"Itisnotthesamething.Inthischair,Icanmovebymyself;IcangoanywhereIneedtogo.ThatboattrapsmesoIcan'tdoanything?nbsp;Icouldn'tevensavemyselfifsomethinghappenedandIfellout."

"ButI'mthere.Don'tyouthinkIcouldsaveyouorhelpyoumoveorwhateveritisyouwant?"

"Yes,butCharles?nbsp;thepointisI'vespenttwelveyearslearningtomanagebymyself.Ievenliveinacitythat'smilesfrommyfamilysoI'llhavetobeindependentanddothingsformyself.BeingplacedintheboattakesallthatI'vewonawayfromme.23Can'tyouseewhyIobjecttoit?Ican'tletmyselfbeatanyone'smercy—notevenyours."

Theycontinueddownthepathinsilenceashisfeelingsboiledwithinhimandfinallyranovertheedgeofhiscontrol:"Amy,Ineedtohaveyoudependentuponme.Ineedyourdependenceuponme."And,asiftopunctuate24hisdesire,hetookthefamiliarwhitebarsinhandandpushedherrapidlyalongsothatherownhandscameoffthewheelsandrestedinherlap.Thewaveatthebackofherhairdidnotshowtheangerinhereyes,anditwasjustaswellforitwasanangerhewouldnothaveunderstood.

ShewouldnotanswerhertelephohenextmorningbutinhismailsthatafternooncameanenvelopethatheknewhadefromAmy.Thehandwritingwasnotbeautiful,butitwaswithoutquestionhers.Insidewasonlyacardonwhichshehadwritten:

Ifyouwantsomethingbadlyenough,

Youmustletitgofree.

Ifitesbacktoyou,

It'syours.

Ifitdoesn't,

Youreallyneverhaditanyway.

——Anonymous

Heranoutofhisapartment,refusingtobelievethatAmymightnolongerbeinherhome.Ashewasrunningtowardsherapartment,hekepthearingaroarinhisears:"Youmustletitgofree;youmustletitgofree."

Buthethought:Ican'triskit,sheismine,can'tjustletgo,can'tgiveherachancenottobelongtome,can'tletherthinkshedoesn'tneedme,shemustneedme.OhGod,Ihavetohaveher.

Butherapartmentwasempty.Somehowinthehoursovernight,shehadpackedbyherselfandmovedbyherself.Theroomswerenowimpersonal;theircoldstillnesscouldnotrespondwhenhefelltothefloorandsobbed.

BythemiddleofAugusthehadheardnothingfromAmy.Helayoftenonhisbedwithherletteronhischestandcountedtheminute25cracksinhisceiling;hewentoftentotheparkbutscrupulously26avoidedlookingforthewhitebird.Sometimeshewouldsitforhoursthereinthewindunderatreeandnotevennoticethathewasoutside,thatlifewentonaroundhim.

Septembercameandhadalmostgonebeforehefinallyreceivedanenvelopeoffamiliarstationery.Thehandwritingwasnotbeautifulbutitwaswithoutquestionhers.Thepostmarkwasthatofacitymanymilesdistant.Withashockoffeelingreturningtohisheart,hetoreopentheenvelopeandatfirstthoughtitwasempty.Thenhenoticedonhisdeskasinglewhitefeatherthathadfallenfromit.Inhismind,thewhitebirdroseinflightanditswingsletflyonefeather.Wereitnotforthefeatherlostindeparture,noonewouldhaveknownthatthewhitebirdhadeverbeen.ThusheknewAmywouldnotbeback,anditwasmanyhoursbeforeheletthefeatherdropoutofhishand.