让我说声谢谢（Let Me Say “Thank You”）

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让我说声谢谢（letmesay“thankyou”）

irememberthefirsttimeigotonahorse.iwastwoyearsoldandwewerewatchingafriendofthefamilyride.mymomagreedtoletmetakeashortridearoundthearenawiththefriendandthatwasit!iwashorsecrazy.fromthenon,idrovemyparentsinsanebeggingforahorse.wheneverisawahorse,iwouldbegevenharder.

wheniwasfouryearsold,mylifeasiknowitnowbegan.ihaveselectivemutism.thisisararechildhooddisorderinwhichchildrenstopspeakingincertainsocialsituations,manytimesataroundtheageoffour.ispokenormallytomyparents,mybrotherandcertainotherpeople,butwassilentatschoolandinsocialsituations.iwentdays,weeks,monthswithoutasoundatschool.atmost,imightquietlywhispertoafriend.•

often,childrenwithselectivemutismwillnotspeakinthepresenceofothers;eventoapersontheynormallytalkto.thereisalotofwhisperinginears,sothatotherscannothear.wehavenormaloraboveaverageiqsandusuallynospeechpathology.themostimportantfactorinthisdisorderis,wecannotspeak.wedonotdothispurposelyorwillfully,itfeelsimpossibletospeak.asyoucanimagine,manychildrenareblamed,punishedandtraumatized,especiallyatschool.thedisorderisbelievedtobeanxietyrelatedandtreatmentisdifficult,butnotimpossible.wehavesomuchmoretolearn.

myparentssearchedforacure.atthattime,wedidnotevenhaveanameforwhatihad.isufferedsilentlythroughschooluntiliwastenyearsoldwhenoneinalongstringofpsychologistshadanidea.havingdiscussedhisplanwithmyparentsbeforehand,onedayinmytherapysessioniwasaskedbythepsychologistwhatiwantedmorethananythingintheworld.heexplainedthatiwasgoingtobegivenanopportunitytoworkforwhatiwanted.icouldn'tbelievemygoodluck,buticouldnotanswer.ijuststoodtherestrugglingtoverbalizewhatiwantedmorethananythingelseintheworld.finally,iwaspermittedtowhispertheanswerinmymother'sear."ahorse,"wasallicouldsay.

iwastogetapony,butbeforewecouldevenstartlooking,ihadtoliveuptomyendofthebargain.ihadtotrytotalk.ihadachartofweeklytasksihadtoaomplish.ihadtoanswerthephonefivetimesperweek,somethingihadneverdonebefore.ihadtomakefivephonecallstomyfriends.ihadtosayonewordtomyteacheratschoolandthelistwenton.forachildwithselectivemutism,sayingonewordtosomeonecanbelikeclimbingmounteverest.

idideverythingthatwasaskedofmeandthedaycamewhenmyparentsfoundalocalridingstablethathadtheperfectpony.hisnamewassequoia,astronglittlechestnutwithsomeroaningandatinywhitespotonhisrump.hewasperfect,ofcourse,andifellinloveimmediately.weboardedhimattheridingstableandibegantakinglessons.iwantedtobethebesticouldbeandiswelledwithprideeverytimeigotonsequoia.ittrulywasadreametrue.ilearnedtobrushhim,saddlehim,pickhishoovesout.eachweekicouldnotwaitforsaturdayandmylesson,thenmyfreetimewithmysequoia.wheniwasinsequoia'spresence,ifotallaboutmyproblemsandfeltstrongandsecure.

asiseeit,horsesaresilenttoo,buttheyarefast,powerfulandfreeatthesametime.horsesgivemethestrengthilack.theygivemeareasontopushmyself,whenicanfindnoother.horseshavebeenpartofmylifeforwellovertwentyyearsnow,allthewhilehelpingmedealwithanisolating,frighteningdisorder.whenthingsgetdifficult,astheystillsometimesdo,igotomyhorses.withthem,icanbesilent,buticanholdmyheadupandhavedignityandfreedom.byconnectingwiththem,ihavelearnedtoembracewhatiwasonceshunnedforandifoundmyvoice.•

iamafullyparticipatingmemberofsocietythesedays.myhorsesandimadeitthroughamaster'sdegreeandthenlawschool.iamapracticingattorney,ievenmakecourtappearances.imayhavemadeitotherwise,buti'mnotsure.ifeeliowemylifetothehorseanditrytogiveitbacktothemeveryday.iamfortunatethaticanlookoutmybackdoorandseemybeautifulhorseslookingbackatme.iamsogratefulthatigettowatchthemrunintheirmountainpastureeveryday.ihopeineverstoplearningfromthem.theyhavegivenmethebestgifticouldeverimagine,mylife.

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